Hope You & Yours Have an amazing Thanksgiving!

Happy Thanksgiving!
We are blessed by God to live in GREATEST COUNTRY ON THE PLANET!!!!
May he continue to bless & guide our leaders.
Now---get ready (I'm preaching to myself) to eat good but healthy.
No Bread!! No white flour!!!! Think of it as paste in your intestines!!!
Unless it's in the form of chocolate brownies. Are there non chocolate brownies?
Are there white chocolate brownies? Would those be Whities? (my joke--dated here!!)
Couple of tricks for this day where we give thanks to God, Jesus, the Earth Mother, or just yer mom by stuffing everything in sight into our faces with a Neanderthal Glee (Also the name of a sitcom I'm pitching) . Drink lots of water. And remember the old 5 or 6 small meals thing? Start small--continue small & graze. Get out & run & play & do stuff!! Have fun-- burn calories the go eat more! Move yer body before & after each course!!! Break from frisbe with pie & coffee instead of piling the pie directly on top of the meal, inducing coma. Eat, drink, be merry. Tell someone something good about themselves. Listen to someone in need of a caring ear as if you cared even if you don't. Fake it for 5 minutes & bless them.
Pace your self. Eat what you want. Get a couple of to go plates & find someone who needs it. I'm Thankful for You!
Chuck

2012--the Mayan Felix & Oscar

It's a Felix & Oscar type deal.  Old divorced guys sharing a large town home so we both have large private enclaves & a couple of nice common areas for socializing. Save money, there's company there sometime, but plenty of personal space. Some neighbors thought we were gay at first but we explained to them we're both convinced we'd be with someone better looking if that were the case. I'm an entertainer & there was a 6 month honeymoon period between me & the local kids where I spoiled the little crumb crunchers with so many balloons & magic tricks it hit that point where appreciation leaves & tiny skulls full of mush say..."we own this guy!". Fortunately the urchins are learning gratitude, discretion, & the wisdom of asking for balloon with no one else around.   Those kids multiply like Agent Smith in Matrix 3. I start with one---every window has an imploring kid & parent staring at me through the window, by the time balloon # 2 pops out---I'm being crowded by mini zombies with pathetic cries like, "I popped mine!!"When being paid--I endure with all the fake enthusiasm of the pro I am". When it's on the verge of balloon guy abuse from mini-terrorists one of the LARGER cool kids, Stephen, 11, articulate, self righteous & knowing  he will be rewarded, gos Gladiator Orator on the masses----HEY MAN!! BACK Off, Chuck's TIRED!! Did yall say thank you? Pick up the popped balloons! Then when the crowd thins out I hook up my security kid & a couple of others lying it wait for the same reason. 2 to four kids I can get fancy with----large groups---swords, hats & dogs!  At 2 years, the kids know cool weather is spoiling season. Roommate has amazing personal space & loves to bar-b-Que.  We have a comfortable, economically viable situation, cool neighbors. It aint Charlie Sheen's place on the beach but it's a block from the lake & that's OK.
So, I play volleyball & try to bring better entertainment to you!

Saving Meg Ryan--Chick Flicks vs WOMAN movies.

My daughter accuses me of liking chick flicks.  OK!!  I will watch anything with Meg Ryan &/or Tom Hanks as long as we keep it formulaic & it makes me feel good.  That thing with Hugh Jackman traveling through time to romance Meg Ryan.  That one with Tom Hanks & Matt Damon trying to save Meg cause.....
Woman Movies----the one that comes to mind...the one time I, Chuck Montgomery, a man deeply in love with life, God, My Daughter, Chocolate, & many more things than are likely healthy considered suicide, was watching portions of "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood" with my neighbors. On my behalf, my home had just burned down & I was staying with neighbors.  Said movie had Sandra Bullock, James Garner & a bunch of other cool actors who should have spelled fun 2 hours.  My neighbor Earl's wife & daughter appeared to be reaching nervona during this, my closest imagined approximation to water boarding as Earl, Little Bucky, & I decided it was time to mow the neighbors yard.  Many men bonded that day.  I also like Devil Wears Prada.

Bounty on Divito

So Egor, my tech guy is recovering from being trampled by 9 year olds when an uninformed mother, not a part of the event planning team,  made the ill conceived decision to yell ,"Who want's smores?" (a direct violation of clause 9 of our contract) as he was on stilts  placing a pretty braided balloon crown on a little girls head to an angelic smile & snapshots from camera phones when a young man 13 or 14 in a Danny DeVito mask yells "You're blocking the smores, fool!!"  Bowls him over like Hervé Villechaize crashing through Hakeem Olajuwon , grabs all the smores & takes off like a fullback. Mop bucket knocked down in his path, he dives, his chubby little belly hits the water & I think he may have hydroplaned.  Di spite injuries, Egor soldiered on, bruised ego & other stuff. Thirty people we know of have you on their  phones.  You will be caught like Winnie the Pooh in the Honey Tree, Charlie Sheen in many episodes of that show, brair rabbit in whatever it was that caught him----grow some hair & eyes in the back of your head cause Houston Independent School District doesn't take kindly to smore thieves, istigaters of anarchy or people who knock down stiltwalkers for a sugar rush.-----
This week at the Improv----Hometown Boy Hits the Top----Ralphy May--Thursday through the weekend---

Sat 2 pm   me & Jim Mackenzie--Jim is my favorite & one of our biggest laugh getters 
Doors open at 1    713 333 8800 for anfo

Guarenteed Bliss

Welcome to Chuck's World, Chuckenstiens' Rant, or whatever we end up calling this little blogorama, lovefest, my attempt to build a fanbase, kiss up to you, the future Chuckaholoc who might hire me to entertain at your event, purchase a ticket to come see me or avail yourself of a cool promo offer & bring a carload of friends, with a sober designated driver, to eat & drink & laugh heartily at one of the several shows a month I do at the Improv or other public venue. You can also download some of our free resources, donate to our panic attack medical fund* or sign up for my mailing list which will hopefully be amusing enough &/or have enough coupons to expand the subscribers into double & dare I aspire to triple & even higher syllabic content digits. My number 1 goal with this blog is to be funny.  If along the way I must inspire, encourage, edify, so be it! What's Bliss?  Other than a charming 1985 Australian movie about an advertising executive who
dies, comes, back, & thinks he's in hell cause nothing has changed? For my point, I refer you to the Matrix scene as Joe Pantoliano, in the role of bad guy Cypher, says....Ignorance is bliss!
I try to avoid political & religious discussions & wheat. I will soon blog on why I avoid wheat. And some nutrition tips as I have lost about 50 lbs in 3 years mostly playing volleyball & eating thoughtfully.  I'm a comic.  Not a doctor. Get a check up if you're just starting working out. Once more-----comedian.  If my fitness advise kills you, don't come whining to me. This Sat---It's me & Mr. Phil Kampf at the Kids Comedy Magic Show at the Houston Improv--2 pm  www.improv.com  this guy teaches magic & stand up to kids & is MAJOR FUNNY for adults as well.

Fashion

If I could I would ban men’s pants worn below butt-crack level, unless they had a waiver proving they had just lost 20 or more pounds. A couple of years ago I lost about 20 pounds and was sorta proud that my jeans were hanging on my hips, but I wore a belt to keep it g-rated and not frightening-looking.

Usually when I see a young person with his drawers hanging down, I give him the benefit of the doubt, assume he’s recently lost weight and say, “Good job, kid!!!”

Also—women who don’t have flat stomachs shouldn’t be allowed to wear belly button rings or studs. If the flab actually swallows it, they should also be required to wear gut covering (much like the Muslim face-covering veils) or loose dark colored shirts, blouses, or whatever.

They’re called earrings for a reason. I’m tired of seeing people who look like they’ve been in a fishing accident.

Ears only, guys–1 in the LEFT ear if you’re straight, right if you’re gay, both if you’re Mr. T or Dog the Bounty Hunter. No other exceptions.

One comment on tongue studs. If you have one, are in a round float in a pool, lean your head back and stick your tongue out–you will point to magnetic north.